Age.....

you know you are getting old when you hve the choice.... sex or sleep and you would really prefer sleep.......

unhappy

There are times when it would just be easier if my husband didn't come home. How aweful does that sound?? He just gets so stressed out over little things so I find myself back in the same spot I was when I was a kid. My father was hot tempered and abusive. When things got bad I kept everyone out of his path. Stressing out over anything anyone might do to set him off.
Now I will say it outloud that NO my husband is NOT abusive in any way not toward me or the children at all EVER. He just doesn't have it in him. But that doesn't mean when he starts spinning up I don't naturally go back to what I know, what I knew as a child.
It is SO stressful. It is hard for me to cope with. I am not sure how much of that past I shared with my husband. Over the years I have told him so much but have I shared it all? I cannot honestly remember. As much as I want to deny it, my past defines who I am and how I react today. In order to deal with me maybe understanding those thing would better help my husband?

Working

I am making a genuine EFFORT to work on our marriage. It isn't in the crapper or anything but it has lost a lot in these last couple of years. I enjoy being that annoyingly affectionate "long time" married couple. I want that back, and we will get it back. So I am using the tools we have at our disposal to get it done.
So there you have it. I am pulling MYSELF out of this damn funk! I have started taking care of myself and tada I am determined. And when I am determined Look out!!

So what

do you say. Your husband admits to something (be it insignificant to most) that he knows bothers you. My response? Thanks for being honest. What the hell...thanks for being honest? Yeah we all know he was ONLY honest because he knows I would catch him eventually and he cannot hide anything from me. We are talking about smoking here not cheating or anything. I can smell it I can taste it when he kisses me I do NOT like it. But everytime we are apart what does he do?? Smokes! At work, while deployed while TAD it doesn't matter. As long as I am out of sight out of mind it is fine. Does it end with just smoking? who the hell knows.
Hey I guess the least he can do is get more life insurance for when he gets cancer and leaves us behind right?
That jerk brought me to tears! TEARS! It is so not worth it.

Along

with the whole blahness (it's a new word shoosh) of the other post I have a need to go. I have the get p and go bug. Maybe it is because things ARE a alittle tough right now? Who knows? I would love to travel. Somewhere where no one knows me, no one knows I am Mom and I can just relax and unwind.
I would even love to travel as a family. With dh on sea duty though he wants to just come home and STAY since he is gone so much. He gets home and I want to go go go. LeSigh I am such a tortured soul (not)

sigh

OK there is a lot going on in my life. I suppose mostly in my head haha. If I weren't so young I would swear it was a mid life crisis. I am bored. Not that i do not have a ton to do but there is no excitement anymore. I love my husband but there are times I miss the passion. We have fallen into the rut of being Mom and Dad and working and keeping the house up, well you get the point. I wonder at times if he is truly in love with me or if it is just comfortable. I hope that makes sense. I guess I should KNOW he loves me. All he wants to do is be home with the family. He loves being home.
I don't know maybe it is the sea duty blues? Maybe it is the fact that I barely get used to having him home again before he leaves...This YEAR I have had him home what 3 weeks? My God that is about right.... THREE weeks. I guess I can look forward to the honeymoon period when he gets back home right?
Not to mention I am not happy with ME. I have gained about 40 pounds since my youngest was born. How in the world does that work? I gain 10 pounds and give birth to an almost 10 pound baby THEN gain 40 pounds AFTER the birth??? What in the hell?
I have a decent self image. I love myself, but I am not happy with the way things have gone lately.
I am not happy with the cleanliness of my home either. I slip into a darn funk and then do not do anything around the house. The house gets cluttered and then I feel worse and overwhelmed because of the state of the house. Round and round I go.
OK WHEW that was a decent vent!

I get the

urge to pick-up and go. It isn't that I don't love my children, because I do. But I remember whne I was younger I would pack-up get in the car and drive. No destination, no plans no maps. Just go. I get that urge now. If I could get a road trip partner too hell I would be good to go!!

Why doesn't

As I am checking the air in my tires today (yes the tires were low) I was asked "why don't you let your husband do that?" LOL The only thing better is they could have ended the sentence with "Little Missy" or something like that. You know it is no ones business why I am doing it and my husband isn't. It is also outrageous to think that because I am a woman I somehow am incapable of putting air into my tires.